Lord I lift them up to you

Hi.

I think I'm going to start writing again. Begin with this junk. This is not an ordinary junk. It is filled with unwanted feelings, rage, misery could be, fragile thingy but not all of them are such bad, there is something good. Even there was a saying, "Everyday might not be good but there is something good in everyday".

So,

Yesterday was the 40th Day Memorial Prayer for my late brother, Boy. He was gone leaving me, mommy and daddy on August 11, 2015, 12:21 AM. He was involved in a tragic car accident in Jalan Bukit Kelawat. With his gone, I now hold a big responsibility in the family. Alone. I don't even have any idea about it. I don't even know how to "live" again. I had sore eyes. The other night I watched Titanic and I cried. It suddenly reminded me of Boy. And at the same time, I was heartbroken. Kind of. This heart feels pain, and it doesn't want to go away. I am hurt.

"Never be afraid to say what you feel". I found this quoted in the page of Heart Centered Rebalancing on Facebook. It is indeed a good page to re-balance your heart again. Especially right at this moment, I am so much in need of positive vibes. Still, by depending on positive quotes I am emotional. I overthink. It is too much for me. I can feel my head would explode anytime soon, and my heart is stabbed by blade for many times. I feel like I want to give up. I am not strong enough, not tough enough. I am weak.

This morning,

I woke up with the usual feeling, only it was too miserable than it used to be. I woke up emptied. But I was in rage. How much I hated, how much I am sicked of being or living this life so far. I am so sicked of toughen up this heart. I am tired of doing things that won't produce any outcome. I think I am wasting my time and effort for dumb stuff, that should not be under my care.

Too much for being mad and sad, I saw a WhatsApp text from the chat group, CSG Unitar Sabah.

"God will make a way when there seems no way. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me."

True. How could I, how could I. I am rage, I am fragile, I am weak. But I forgot there is God. How could I not draw strengths from God, when God is the strength and the live Himself. Only after reading the text, I came to peace in a while. Lord I lift them all up to you. I should not ever give up. I believe you will make a way for me, when all my ways won't seem to work. Forgive me Lord, since I am not good enough. But I will be good.